Saturday, March 5, 2011

Nerds and Birds (ad infinitum)

6:30 am. The questions start. Birds.

8:00 am. More questions. Birds.

9:30 am. Math time. More questions. About birds.

9:32 am. Birds! 

9: 37 am. Still math time. Still more questions. About birds.

11:00 am. It's history, but can we talk about birds? Yes, of course we can. Because I can't get enough of birds. 100 million questions a week about birds is not enough. Homing pigeons were used in WWI? Awesome. Let's research and study that for two years!

12:00-1:00 pm. No questions about birds because we're watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

This one hour that could be my down time, my time to decompress and de-mom, is spent sitting and monitoring television content, ready to turn it off if Stephen starts talking about porn yet AGAIN. When they mention kinky sex monikers in passing and I get asked what they are talking about, I play dumb. "Anal pounding? Wha? I have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Sometimes they combine words which have no meaning just to sound funny." I'm getting so good at playing dumb about sex that I'll be nominated for an Oscar soon.

I probably shouldn't let him watch these shows at all. But I do. I do because I have this child that is not like a child. A child that I sometimes have to explain (and reexplain again and again) the simplest social formality to, yet also completely understands the political satire of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, who laughs in all the right places - without explanation. Unless they talk about porn. Then I play dumb and turn it off until the segment is over.

1:00 pm Birds! Love to ask a zillion question about birds! And our weird Mexican neighbor who doesn't speak English but has pigeons and chickens and turkeys - let's go visit him! Never mind the viscous German shepherd - he has a DOVE COTE, OMG WET MY PANTS!

1:07 pm. Can I have a pet bird?

1:15 pm. Pet birds are great. Don't you want one? Birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds.

2:00 pm. Birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds.

3:00 pm. Time to go pick up your brother! Birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds.

3:15 pm After school snack. Sibling warfare commences.

3:30 pm birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds, birds.

4:00 pm. (Do I even need to write it?)

5:00 pm. Wally calls. "Honey, I'm working late tonight!" Motherfucker. My 6-8 pm bird deflector shield has abandoned me. 

5:05 pm. Birds, birds.......I'm sick of typing it.

6:00 pm Birds ad infinitum 

6: 30 pm. And again.

7:00 pm. OOOH! NOVA night on PBS! Sweet baby Jesus, there is a God after all!

7:00 - 9:00 pm. No birds.

9:00 pm. Bed time. I DON'T dream about birds.

6:30 am the next day. Repeat previous day.

2 comments:

  1. This really made me giggle out loud -- and feel glad that my kids aren't old enough to be so obsessive yet!

    ReplyDelete