Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Six Places You Can Put Broken Crayons. (Hint: the sun doesn't shine there)

If there's one chapter in a homeschool book that could give homeschooling a bad name, it's this one....

Six Things To Do With Broken Crayons*

Look. I'm a homeschooler and even I don't want to homeschool after reading that title.  Is it a joke? Or an insult? I can't tell.

I put an indecent amount of creative energy into planning an interesting history curriculum and unique reading program that gives No Child Left Behind the finger. How about we throw just the broken crayons away? Because I'm an actual living, breathing person with average to above average cognitive function.

Okay, I'm being an asshole** and I admit it. I'm sure these six things to do with broken crayons are lovely ways to entertain yourself and your homeschooled children. You know, for when you aren't teaching them. Or cooking for them. Or washing their clothes. Or cleaning their nasty boy bathroom. Or preparing for tomorrow's lessons. Or reading their chapter book so you can intellectually participate in the book discussion. Or gathering supplies for next week's science labs. Or driving them to co-op class, fencing lessons, 4-H, chess club, field trips, junior master gardener classes, and drawing lessons. Use broken crayons to fill those "spare moments" that obviously abound when you homeschool.

I'm going to say it's okay to draw a line at how far you are willing to go when homeschooling and I personally draw it at finding ways to use broken crayons. I must have some boundaries...

Five Steps to Becoming Homeschool Teacher of the Year*

...and wha? You mean it's a competition against other homeschool moms who may or may not be better than me? Fuck.

*Yes, those are real chapters from a real book. No, I didn't read the book, because I'm an asshole. I'm sure the book is a lovely read to non-asshole homeschoolers.

** I'm especially an asshole when it's my turn to visit the Moon Lodge, which if you attended Heather's School of Awesomeness, you would learn a moon lodge is where Native American women went during their period. They were released from family and community responsibilities and sent off to a lodge to be by themselves, as in ALL ALONE WHILE OTHER PEOPLE TOOK CARE OF THEIR KIDS AND DIRTY DISHES, OMFG HOW GENIUS.


  1. Came here from somewhere....Any Mommy, maybe?

    As a fellow homeschooling mom, I found this hilarious. A lot of homeschooling books are written by assholes. I avoid them, they throw me into an ugly cycle of "oh my gosh, what idiots, in what universe does that work - no wait, maybe they are onto something here, after all they wrote a BOOk and all I do is cluelessly fumble around like an idiot and holy cow I am screwing this whole thing up, Quick, let's make a diorama! Learn Latin! No, do a Nature Study - go get some leaves, now, now, NOW!"

    and so on.

    (I have done stuff with broken crayons, though. Like ruin a perfectly good cutting board and get melted wax embedded in my kitchen floor)

  2. "A lot of homeschooling books are written by assholes."

    This makes me so happy.

    I'm not a homeschooler but my best friend is.

    In fact I'm sending this to

  3. I am in awe of you, because you can look at that chapter on crayons for the crap that it is, while I (still getting used to all this homeschooling stuff) look at it and secretly wonder "Should I be doing this? Are my children going to get low marks on their SAT's because they were underexposed to crayon recycling?"
    I'm getting a little more self confidence, but it's hard when you're surrounded by people who would look at the broken crayon crafts and immediately pin it on their Pinterest boards.
    Rock on, you give me hope.